The Void

So I have lately, this re-occuring thought that I'm pregnant. That I need to nurse my baby. That there is a baby kicking inside me. Or I'll get the memory of pushing my baby out : vivid. Or I'll start mentally justifying having another kid- like I did before I lost the last one. I had to mentally readjust my thoughts on us 'being done' having children. It wasn't a choice at that point- I was already pregnant~ so I had to adjust. And then it was gone. And how to do you tell that to your subconscious? "You don't need to keep telling me how great it'll be to have this baby." "You don't have to restructure anything", "There's nothing growing inside you". And I can't quite find the line between what I *want* and what I *had*. Just because I had him (and I do think it was a him) doesn't mean I was looking for him. But even now I can't say I didn't want him. Because once you accept it- it becomes part of you. And then it's always there. And you can either watch it grow and live outside you- or it's just always missing. It's shocking, really. This void.

The New Feminist

Not that I have anything spectacular to say about motherhood, or wife-hood or woman-hood. They’re just things that I live and things that I care about. But here I am, @ 29, looking at my two daughters, and wondering what my life is telling them about these things. Like most moms, I want to shape their lives. By shaping their thoughts. Through living my life. And sharing my thoughts with them. And mostly- praying for the grace to impart life to them. I feel like it’s time I started taking responsibility for the future of the women in my family. Something that started many many generations before me- that I reap the benefits of, but that I have to continue or it will be lost. Not realizing I was waiting for permission, and at the same time not realizing I embody it anyways. It’s time for me to be purposeful and deliberate. To make sure that my girls know how to become women. What it means to be one. How to choose a partner. How to love them. To value what is unique about them, and be valued and appreciated in return. Not that I have all the answers. But I do have a sense of purpose. And an idea of what is right and beautiful about these things.

There is something to be said for a right of passage. Where did that go? Seeing girls become women. Helping girls become women. Somehow we just expect that this can be done alone. It can’t. Girls need mentors, guides. If we are ever to shed our second class mentality we have to know our beauty. As women, to be loved for what we offer society. Sometimes delicate, sometimes powerful. Inner strength and tenacity. Like lionesses and hummingbirds and polar bear mom’s (Not sure why those particular associations, but whatever) We have our weaknesses, as men do to- but not the same weaknesses. Embracing womanhood- and all that entails. From the beginning, how we were made to be a strength, and where we are weak, how we function within a male-dominated society to how we treat ourselves and our daughters. To loving our husbands selflessly and being loved wholly in return. And to know that we’re needed. Everywhere. Humanity suffers when we don’t create a place in society for the feminine to flourish along side the masculine. The sciences need the feminine mind. The law-makers need the feminine mind. And Society needs to redefine what we perceive as necessary and valuable. And so far- it only is if, what we as women offer, can be done within a male system. Valuable if we become bankers, valuable if we have our degrees. Valuable if we make money.

I see the value in what we bring from a whole different perspective. Our assets: Not entirely goal orientated. Things like ‘nesting’, and lots of creativity. We’re created to fill a gap. A gap that man alone cannot fill. I want to teach my girls to appreciate our difference. I do not want my girls growing up to find their value in trying to be like men. Our perspective – if we don’t try to hard to masculate it- can be wholly different. And valuable. We bring compassion. We bring life. We nurture. With our partners we shape children into adults. And as mothers we teach values, and world views. We create the foundation that society functions from. Weather for good or for worse, if listened to- we can shape communities and nations. And men can do these things to- and sometimes just as well. But not the same. There have been times that I’ve felt that Brian would make a better mom than me, he’s more level headed, more patient. He plays better with the kids… but I’ve realized there is something so beautiful and needed from the feminine.

Most of the time I cannot even put my finger on it- but it’s completely woman- and sometimes I don’t even think it’s what we offer as mothers so much as what is taken from us by our children. They take the “mom” out of me without me even offering it. Like they take the milk from our breasts without us consciously making it. And that enriches them. They are better because of it.

“She has a more influential and powerful role than any political, military, religious or educational figure. Her words are never fully forgotten. If you were blessed with a good mother, you will enjoy the advantages for the rest of your days. If your mother neglected you and her responsibilities, unfortunately the impact is almost certainly still felt today. Whether it's good or whether it's evil, a mother's impact is permanent. A child's mother is arguably the most influential figure in their life, giving credence to the old adage: the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."-Unknown

Then to see these ‘whole’ women stumble, or run, into motherhood. It takes us by surprise every time, though it’s been done for thousands of years. We never quite know how we’ll take it, or what it means to us, until we’re in it with both feet. And then the ancient and powerful pull on us to love and protect – mirrored with stigmas, pressures, pre conceived ideas and sometimes (oftentimes) depression. Having to face head on issues we didn’t create. And being thrown into a conversation we didn’t start – or know how to finish. Motherhood. The epitome of the feminine. Not your 1950’s-perfect-hair-ironed

Churchy

More church talk- We were talking with some friends of ours who have felt a similar disconnect with church and the culture around it. It dawned on me that the way I look at my girls and school is similar to how I view church. I look at Ellie- and I see how well she fits and enjoys the school environment- she feels alive, productive, challenged. She loves it. And I look at India- I don't expect her to love school. She’ll love the social aspect of it. But the schedule and grading will be hard on her. She’s a sensitive soul- strong personality. And although I’m super excited for school for Ellie- I know it is not a system that is 'one size fits all' it is a system made for the majority. It can pump thru and educate those that flow well within that structure.

I feel that there are a lot of us who don't fit in well with the church culture. And as much as we see the validity and need for the system we use (or don't use)- doesn't mean we'll all feel at home and 'fit in’.... but it doesn't mean we don't need 'the church' or each other. Or that we don't want to love God, love the people around us. I hate being viewed as a cynic or critic because we can't seem to connect with the church.

I’m not going to lie about our disappointment, about feeling used or like we don't matter. It is valid for me to explain how this 'system' doesn't work for us. I should have the freedom to explore without being written off. And I am angry- but mostly at the pressure I've felt to 'fit in' or ignore the disconnect and 'press in' ... It is just NOT there.

 I'm looking for God. Seriously. And I miss him- I miss when I could connect thru church. If it were still that easy- I’d still be there. I’m still looking to connect with Jesus. I know he loves his bride- and I’m looking for that common ground with her. I haven't written her off. I’m just looking for more from her. Maybe we'll be the ones offering it. If there's room. Who knows. We just need some room to breath- and grow.

The High's & Low's

Being a mom is messy- and a wife- even messier- so messy I hardly know what I'm supposed to look like. I know what I’d like to look like, but I’m too busy getting my ass kicked every day. I cannot even explain the roller coaster that is my day- and week.

At any given moment in the day I am either thinking- "I’m SUCH a great mom" ... or "I SUCK at being a mom" ... you never know- they both hit me at least every hour.

I had some great 'high's' today- & one huge 'low' - super low- like 'scum' low. My high was this evening- I found a book with children’s bible stories in it. I never feel like I do enough to teach my kids about who God is- I think I’m too scared of getting it wrong. But today I saw this book sitting on the shelf- I don't even know where we got it. I'm thinking it was maybe Brian's or Melissa's when they were younger... but anyways- we read about Jesus’ birth and all that happened around it. India kept asking me- is this real? I said, yes- old but real. And TJ kept climbing all over us and interrupting... but it was good- and they -for the most part- listened and enjoyed it. I've never been able to do stories at night with the kids- or just never really have. It’s hard to fit four kids on your lap. I mean, my oldest is 5- they're all so needy.

Sometimes we tell stories and those are the best- but don't usually read because we're too busy fighting over who gets to sit closest to mommy or who is bumping and who can't see the book... but tonight it worked- so it was my high point of the day.

My low point- oh this is not fun- ... I actually slammed my fist on the couch and yelled some mean things at the kids because I was mad they were not listening or responding to me when I spoke to them. It was bad- and I felt like shit during it and even worse afterwards. Ellie came into the kitchen while I was still fuming and hugged me. Its what she does when I lose it. She sees me get angry and comes and finds me stewing and hugs me. I don't know when she decided that was how she was going to deal with her crazy mom. But it works every time and I always melt. Of course I went back and apologized for my horrible attitude and told them I'm so sorry I’m so grumpy—

What can you do? I love them so much- and they're the ones that see the worst in me. I hate it. Why can't the ones we love the most only get the best out of us?

Brian starts back at work tomorrow and he isn't looking forward to it. I hate that he has to do this job that he doesn't enjoy. It is bearable for him, but we need an exit strategy. Something to look forward to. I really wish we could just instantly become independently wealthy next week- but since I don't play the lottery (hmm, maybe I should?) and I don't have any rich relatives leaving me any huge inheritance- that will not be happening.

I feel like we got ourselves in this mess and we're going to be digging out of it for a few more years yet- I really hope that my doula business takes off and I can ease some of the financial stress from him.

I am so thankful to be married to a man who will do anything to take care of his family. But I need him to still be able to dream- and to be able to pursue it. This morning I reminded him that life is so short- and he said he'd been thinking the same thing - and we just need to be able to enjoy this time together and with our children- We have responsibilities and we will meet them- but while we do that- there has to be life. I don't want to wait till the bills are paid and the kids are grown to really "live" our lives. It’s too short to think that way. So... we'll see how it goes ;-)

I need my Mom!

I had one of those really revealing mornings- if you are an external processor like I am, you'll understand how sometimes you don't realize how far you've spiraled down till you're already at the bottom. I told Brian at the beginning of the week that I needed some hope- the stress that started during the holidays has turned into depression and I know this feeling a little too well.

I was hoping that this week that Brian has off would really help turn things around- but all its done is highlight my low points. I am not myself, and I hate this feeling.
Brian suggested this morning that I ask my mom to come down from Dutch Harbor to help me out for a week. And although the idea sounded great to me it took me about an hour to get the courage to ask. Its a huge thing to ask- leaving Unalaska is not easy- its basically two days of travel to get here. And her life is pretty full at home- to ask her to leave all that to help me get my feet under me ... I wasn't scared of what she'd say- I think it's just hard asking such a huge favor. But I did, and she's going to try and get a ticket out this Monday.

I finally feel that hope - I hope that she can help me get a healthy perspective on life, and help me set some routine up here in the new house. I have felt completely over-run by my own kids since we've been here. I start out my days annoyed or frustrated and it goes down hill from there. It is only when I’m alone with them. I do better when Brian or Tania is with me, but I need to do better on my own. I'm hoping that this time with my mom helps me set up a system to facilitate that.

And the guilt! At the end of the day seeing these beautiful kids in bed - and all they want is some love and attention... and special attention is hard to get & give around here. There is lots of sibling rivalry.... But they are all so amazing, and forgiving. I have to try and start fresh every morning- failing often, but not giving up. --Even when it seems so tempting to do just that-- they are just such wonderful kids. And they deserve better from me.

Tonight when Brian was tucking in john, he wanted Brian to tuck in Spiderman. And when Brian went to give spidey a kiss john says, "oh Spiderman doesn't like kisses" "Does Johnny?" "Yup"

My little daredevil

It’s just been an emotionally tiring day. Stitches, again...

From the start- woke up frustrated that the girls- who are my early birds can't seem to stay quiet for me and the boys to sleep that extra half hour. I know it’s a measly half hour... but anytime it’s between 5:30 or 6:30 in the morning that half hour is like gold. I just wanted them to be *quiet*... it’s so stupid looking back on it, but it started my day on the wrong foot.

I tried to make up for my grumpy attitude by making them pancakes~ their favorite breakfast... but by then they were knee deep in their own bickering and nitpicking world. Then the lying. My goodness, the lying! I'm so sick of it. Stupid stupid things to be lying about too. And it drives me nuts. I can not tolerate that kind of disobedience... its not like "Well they're siblings and they'll fight... that's normal, I can let it slide. Its like- she's LYING to me. Normal or not, it will not fly. So by the time I'm about to lose it Tania drops by, and it was like seeing an angel -- I totally needed another adult around before I stooped to their level and freaked out. So, thank you Tania! Helped me get thru my morning, and I'm pretty sure the kids thank you too.

So things settle down and I decide to take on rearranging our bedroom, and start hanging shelves and moving dressers. Kids are climbing all over everything, but everything is semi-sane. Then the cat goes out the cat-door and India asks if she can go outside too. So I tell her sure, just put some pants on first. She never wears pants- just a shirt. When I get her dressed and we don't leave the house the pants are always off within 20 minutes. I don't know why.

So she flies down the stairs to get them and falls. I hear her whimper- immediately I know its not a 'I need attention' cry, its a 'I’m really really hurt' cry. But she's not freaking out so I walk over and ask, oh baby did you fall down the stairs? And she's like I hurt my leg! So she moves her hand and there is a gash taken out of her thigh. It was soo gross. I normally handle wounds really level headedly... But I knew right away that this wasn't good. Stitches... again. It looked like a cat or something had taken a bite our of her leg. A screw was sticking out of the stairs and tore her leg open. So I call Brian and see how soon he'll be home. He’s five minutes away and so i load India up and call the doctor's office- they wanted to 'squeeze me in later today' and I’d have to wait up to two hours for a call back from the nurse. "Um no, I’m in the car bringing her now- "
"Well we don't do walk in's"-
Well, I’m not waiting half the day- I’m pretty sure she needs stitches. ... And I’m on my way.
Do you think you can wait 2-4 hours?
(I’m thinking -you idiot-) well, I’m IN THE CAR. I'm her mom, so no; I am not going to wait four hours.
So they get me in. It was nice that Tania had just taken Hannah to the dentist at the same office so she sat with us thru it. Five stitches later we're home, I’m SO tired, and my day is only half over.

Birth Doula

We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong.
--Laura Stavoe Harm


I've been going down this path towards becoming a doula for years - I didn't know that was where I was heading till about a year and a half ago ago. My wonderful cyber friend heather pointed it out for me ;-) I love doing this. I know that bringing life into the world is the most beautiful thing to experience - and I want to be there! When I had India my Kabbalah midwife was mumbling something about birth being the strongest force in nature- and at the time I was thinking 'shut up' with the mumbo jumbo and let me have this baby.

Looking back I see a lot of truth in that. There is something unspeakably amazing about growing a baby and the uncontrollable force of birth. And how incredibly emotionally attached we are to this physical act. -- Its nothing like taking an incredibly large dump- i've actually heard people say that. Idiots. ;-)

So, for you mommas out there- here are some things I’ve read about birth that I love -- bon a petit!

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.
--George Washington Carver

If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it.
--John H. Kennell, MD

$13 to $20 billion a year could be saved in health care costs by demedicalizing childbirth, developing midwifery, and encouraging breastfeeding.
--Frank Oski, MD, Professor and Director, Department of Pediatrics, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Baltimore, MD

The experience profoundly changed my perspective. In the hospital, I hadn't perceived the anxiety and foreboding that permeated birth until I experienced the impact of its absence among the midwives. The peace, wonder, and intimacy were infinitely greater. What a compelling difference!
--Heidi Rinehart, MD (as quoted in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin)

And here's a little treat for anyone who actually read all of those: India just whispered to john to tell me 'batman has a vagina'. ...
I told her that's not appropriate- so she whispered to him to tell me 'Tinkerbelle is cool'
Much better ;-)

Grandma Anna

My grandma is in town, my dad's mom. She raised 8 boys- yes EIGHT.
She's a nut, and she's amazing.  And when I see her I feel so at home, knowing she knows -much more than I do- how hard and rewarding being a mom is. She is so fun, laughs a ton- sarcastic, witty, honest... I hope i am enjoying life just as much and more as she is at her age. She's the daughter of Irish immigrants, raised in New York City- her and my grandpa lived all over, Vermont, New York, Italy, Ireland and i think the southwest for a little while. I'm realizing right now I don't know her nearly as well as I’d like to.

My cousin Rachel just went back and spent some time with her, I am so jealous!! We used to spend our summers in Vermont with her. I miss the smell and feel of her house. I keep suggesting she move to Oregon, and I think she might ;-)

On a side note- I was talking with Brian about the movies Garden State and Elizabethtown - (and I know there are more out there) but these movies I feel really speak to our generation of our desire to know where we belong. To understand our roots and our family base- as a place to grow from not run from. That understanding our families and our history is to begin to understand ourselves. I think especially in this mobile, global culture that we live in now; it’s easy to forget where we came from or forget the value in the richness of family. When I watched 'The Family Stone' I was so overwhelmed with hope and happiness-- thinking that could be my family someday. My kids bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends/families home for Christmas- at least I hope we are the home that they want to come back to. Even for people who don't have that kind of family base or sense of belonging, that we can create it for our children- knowing we are building a heritage for them to pass along. And that it’s worth it.

Sometimes I need to be reminded- not that this is a good thing- raising a large family- but that it has a place to contribute to the betterment of the world. Family is the most basic unit in the world. We don't need to be reminded how a dysfunctional family can mess us up - we see it every day.

I'm going to open up a little more and share this- when Brian and I have had 'problems' in our marriage the thing I come back to all the time is this: We are all each other have. That this (marriage) is the most important 'thing' in my life and our children’s lives- we made that choice before we got married- that this was it for us- if I lost this- I’d lose everything. I'd survive- but I would have lost the most beautiful gift ever given me.

This is kind of a lame example. But this marriage is kind of like Ikea furniture~ the work of putting it together is what shows you how awesome the gift really is.

My Grandparents were married for over 50 years- and I know they went thru a lot- war, 8 boys, moving, depression, EIGHT boys... financial problems... I’m sure at times they felt distant- but they stayed together.
I heard a story that a woman married a man and at their 50th anniversary she was asked what the secret to their long relationship was. She said when they got married she decided to write a list of ten things that she would forgive her husband for. When asked what was on the list she said- well i never wrote it, but when he messed up I’d think to myself, 'He better be grateful that's on the list'...

I didn't plan on ranting about family and marriage this morning, thanks for bearing with me to anyone who actually read all of this ;-)

Sunday, Pukey Sunday

Sunday pukey Sunday

This morning both my girls told me that they had stomachaches. Usually I tell them to drink some water, or eat something and they'll feel better. But I knew that they were not feeling well when they were turning down the pumpkin doughnuts Brian picked up. Then Ellie says, I’m gonna puke... and we barely make it to the toilet.  Then India, 30 minutes later, starts heaving into her hands.

After that it was just movie after movie, Mickey Mouse, Barbie and the Nutcracker, Happy Feet, Mickey’s Musketeers... the day seemed like it never started since the TV never really turned off. The girls were pretty out of it with their fevers, so they just stayed on the couches all day.  I didn't do much either. Still not doing much. I’m not ready for the week to start ~

Brian and I were in Melissa’s room talking to her earlier this afternoon and India comes in and says, 'You weren’t taking care of me so I puked on my pillow.' My whole, please-don't-blame-people-when-you're-frustrated talk didn't sink in yet.

At dinner India grabbed a piece of cheese and said - "i just ate cheese and now there's a party in my stomach!" cool. I love the things she comes up with.

And Ellie- she has this thing for fund raising for school and I haven't had time to take her to go 'sell'. And I haven't really wanted to either. So I said I’d take her to my aunt and uncles place two days ago. And each day that passed and I’d say 'Tomorrow honey, we'll do it'.
And she would look at me and say "tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow... its always 'tomorrow"-
(OUCH!-She knows how to make it sting...Who taught her that? "Tomorrow...") perfect.
For the record, I was very apologetic and I made plans to make it work out. But things don't always go as hoped.

She’s getting big ;-)

Wouldn't It Be Lovely!

I realized the other night. As I was sitting up around midnight or 1 am that I've been avoiding bed almost all week. It dawned on me that I avoid bed because it’s not a restful place for me. I’d rather stay awake sometimes than be woken up every hour.

Last week I was playing musical beds all night with John and TJ. And the girls were following me everywhere I tried to sleep- my bed, Johns bed, the futon, the couch. I’m not safe anywhere. (Maybe under the dining room table?)

All I want is a night alone. Okay, well Brian can join me. Anytime the kids aren't around we're 'alone'. I also refer to people with out children as 'single' couples. I’d talk about back when Brian and I were "single" together. It was peaceful then.

Not better, just more peaceful.

I know there is a glass celing up there somewhere..

There is a struggle I think most mom's go thru- unless they are a woman who's only dream growing up was to be a 'mommy'. Which mine wasn't. I wanted to be a vet, then an artist, and lounge singer (I was in jr high- okay?) then a nurse midwife... 'Mom’ wasn't even on the menu till I found out I was pregnant. It’s been a rollercoaster ride since then, trying to figure out my place in the family, as a wife, -as a woman. I think one of the most beautiful things about women - one of the many that makes us unique from men- is our desire to bring beauty to the world and to make our area of it better than how we found it. (Don’t get annoyed, I know men do that to- but we're better at it ;-)

Did I lose all value to society as soon as Ihad my first kid and stepped out of the race?

Now that I’m not offering my creative gifts (if you can call them that) to the world- what use are they- what use am I?

I felt like I lost my identity- and if that hasn't really happened to you- you don't know how empty that can feel. And then the guilt- having beautiful children and a good life- and still feeling empty.

I had to choose, two years ago - for the first time - that this is what I WANT for my life. To find the value in pouring myself into the only sure way I can improve this world- my children. And to make my marriage the best it can be so that -- first- to have fun - and second- to make a solid place for the kids to land.

I'm sure I'll be spending the next ten years- a day at a time- figuring out how to hold in the balance, me- my love, my life & my future.

100 Miles before 6 AM

I feel like I’m coming out of a coma this week. About a yearlong coma. Wow, that's a long time. I've mentioned this already I think, but I stopped taking the 100 milligrams of Zoloft a day last week. And as it’s gotten out of my system I've been like, 'Oh yeah, this is me! This is what I like!' I forgot that I love to sing. Its not that I just love to sing, but I come alive deep inside when I sing. - I forgot what that was like. And life, it’s just been FUNNY - all week. Just laughing at stupid random things. I've missed that! I didn't even know to miss it. I guess i just slowly forgot it all. Which isn't too surprising when I was just barely treading water as it was- the Zoloft kept my head from going under when I was feeling really weak. Thank god for that. But, man, it feels refreshing to be 'clean' haha ;-).

So i drove Melissa to the airport this morning, we left at 4 and on the way home i had an hour of uninterrupted time to myself. - I don't know when i've had that time by myself - out side of the house - it was really nice. I was thinking about this last year, and all the changes we've gone thru (while i've been medicated).
I don't want to speak for Brian (although I believe we've been on the same page) but we kind of hit our limit of religion last summer- it had been building for a while, but we kind of imploded last summer. And everything we were afraid would happen when we left church did happen.

- So naturally there was some hurt and disappointed swirled on top of a lot of frustration. And we had stepped out of ywam the year before that- and experienced pretty much the same reaction. Which is odd, since we were told the whole time we were there that 'we need Christians in every area of society...' but as soon as we stepped out of ywam, we were given the 'your really 'missing' it' vibe'. We were just thinking, hey, we want to live life- outside of ministry- outside of a schedule, agenda, vision plan...to just be able to see people in normal situations and not feel like they had to be targets. Life is just so much more complicated than a ministry can handle. Anyways, there is a whole lot there- about three years worth of conversations- but my point is this: I kind of feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater- in our attempt to lose religion I lost more than was probably good for me.
 I didn't do anything this year to hold onto my faith; I think I let the disappointments of leaving ywam and the church creep into my faith. And that is something I never thought could happen to me. I thought it was too deep, too ingrained in me to ever be separated from it. But I was- I’d try to pray- nothing comes out. I didn't doubt god was there (strangely) I just doubted that he cared.
I know that this year even though I wasn't trying to hold onto god, I feel he has held onto me. And even if all I can whisper when I pray is 'Jesus'. Then that is enough for now.
I’m curious, as I’m coming out of this haze, what new things are going to surface in my life, and in my heart. What sort of things will remain important, and what- after three years of searching- will come out as valuable- and worth pursuing.
The kids are waking up- time to engage. And make coffee~

Good "Middle of the Night" to you...

Its 4:45 am and I’m up with TJ. He has a fever- just 100.7, but he feels so much hotter to me. Anyways, I want to sleep~ my parents are coming in the morning. I’m sooo excited to see them and I really just want TJ to go back to sleep. I gave him baby Tylenol and he just immediately puked it all back up- along with his last feeding session... but (like the pro that I am) I had a towel by his mouth when I gave him the medicine - kids always try to spit it back out.

Soapbox

It was the highlight of our two years in the Doughton St house to be a five-minute walk to my aunt and uncle's. But even that seemed too far sometimes. I wanted to LIVE life WITH friends (does that sound too hippyish?)  People you see going and coming, who you invite over for bbq's, who's kids play with your kids (and you feel safe about it!). Friends who you let into your life- really into- the messy-ness and the joy.

Brian and I were in 'occupational' ministry for 6 years- up till two years ago. And we're just kind of sick of the programmatic style of ministry. Of seeing people as targets, as points. As a goal. Gotta "reach" 'em. I think we are a little burned out on ministry in general (guess you were right Heather; I'll admit it now ;-). We don't know if we'll ever have any sort of huge impact on this world. And we're totally fine if we don't. Being in the 'ministry' world kind of makes you need to be big- to have big results- reach lots of people- just DO big things... things that look good in your newsletter. And we've done great things over the years, with -I believed- the right heart behind it.

We’re always growing and learning, and I feel we're just a place now where that has all lost its importance to us. We’ve lost it completely. The taste for 'it' is gone. I don't know if I’ll ever 'bring someone to Christ' ever again in my life time- and I’m actually okay with that - i feel RELIEVED by that. Wow, the pressure is off - it’s not my JOB anymore. Thank God.

Life is messy & dirty- people are needy and socially awkward- people are mean and don't want your 'help'. These are all things that most 'ministry' tries to ignore. Or avoid. And its not real life. We can't just serve a meal under a bridge once a month and feel like we did our 'part'. It’s just sad. Keep everyone else on his or her side of the table- smile- serve- go home.

I'm so scared of digging my hands into 'the other side of the table' - the parents who verbally abuse their kids next door- the neighbor who takes advantage of our 'open door' policy- the manipulators, the people who just simply don't like me... but what else can I do with my life? If I can't try? I know I’ll get frustrated, annoyed, and petty... because I’m screwed up too- but I have to try. My cousins headline says 'life is too short not to'. I could lead a comfortable - isolated existence. Raise my kids to look at people from afar- but to stay out of their messed up lives. But its rich in there- somewhere- under all the dog shit that covers most of us. - There is treasure in everyone.

And I feel I have to look for that treasure in the people God puts around me. And I want to dig where no one is looking. I've lost my taste for digging in churches. Not that there aren't good things to be found there. I've just found that there is also a lot more walls and facades there- I would rather be around people who know they're not perfect- and aren’t trying to hide it. I can't hide it- and I’d rather not feel the pressure to.

I think Christianity has missed 'it' in a lot of ways- not completely- because I see a lot of good fruit too- but maybe in some really important ways. I'm not a theologian, or expert- but where is the compassion? When was it ever about 'us' feeling 'good' about ourselves? (Do you like my over use of " " marks?) Why is it so hard to put others first? The poor- the widow- the children-- not to just come up with a program to 'reach' them... because they don't just "Need Jesus" they need us. They need friends. People to go shopping with- out to lunch with- to cry with and to share pain with. I don't know if anyone will be interested in my God- but he tells me to be interested in them. As individuals, created uniquely- valuable. And definitely worth my time.

Motherhood

I just finished 'The Red Tent' - and oh my gosh. I feel like I felt after reading 'The Rice Mother' - just kind of mourning the end of the story. I was so wrapped up in it. And it totally was my type of book- coming of age, womanhood, motherhood, and midwifery... just a great book. Read it.

Reading it really made me feel that there is going to be an ache in my arms when my kids are too mature to snuggle with me. Just reading the stories of mothers and their growing children. It made me remember when my mom came to visit after I’d had (at least) three kids, I don't remember exactly when it happened. But as I looked at my kids I thought to myself. "This is what my mother felt." This love, these dreams, this total sacrifice... she lived for my brother and I the way I live for my babies. She was flawed, and so am I- but I just know that despite our failures- our love is the same. Even on my worst days I'd still die to keep my children safe and secure.

And I grew up completely unaware of the depth till now. And at that moment- more than anything- I wanted her to hold me like a little child and just tell her how much her love means to me now. And apologize for not recognizing that love when I had her with me. She said 'That's how life is- you never know till its your turn'.

And I know I'm making these sacrifices, praying prayers, trying to teach values and kindness= and it seems like its on deaf ears most of the time. And I have to resign to the fact that my children will probably not appreciate me.  And all the details that go into raising children. And I have no problem continuing to pour myself out for them. Even with this knowledge. A mother’s love- it’s so cliché- but its true.

I love that quote that says, "To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart" -
But I also think that the same goes for motherhood. But I think the ache is what makes life rich. We couldn't really live if we didn't have some sort of loss or pain to compare the joy and peace with.

Go Steve!

At first (By that I mean- When I started watching cartoons as an adult) I used to feel bad for 'Steve' on Blues clues, now I think he's pretty cool. But these teenagers on 'High Five'-- I feel bad for them- its almost embarrassing just watching it. It’s amazing what we do to entertain kids. And it works. So I guess i shouldn't feel bad for them. It works and they're getting paid a LOT.
I remember thinking; my kids will NEVER watch Barney. But as they've gotten older and increased in number, I've had to resort to tactics I never thought I’d have to- out of necessity. But now I’m really looking forward to the day I can tell them, 'Please go Read!’ TV really rots our brains. I truly believe it. Well actually I don't. Because if I did, we'd stop watching it all together. But I am starting to believe.

I want to raise, creative, inspired, challenging, thoughtful and intelligent adults. I don't think that being fed the same thing that everyone else watching TV is being fed -will do that. I don't care how 'educational' the show is... its no substitute for real life. I don't want my kids to learn about life from a box- I want to live life with them.

TJ is starting to play more with his siblings. Or he's trying to anyways. A lot of times they're just annoyed by his attempts. But he's learning. Ellie’s gets frustrated a lot lately. I think she's really ready to start school. To not be around younger kids all the time and be with kids her own age, and to be challenged. I don't know if I’ll keep my kids in school thru high school, we'll see how it goes. I think if we see them developing characteristics we don't like or becoming closed in how they look at life- then I’ll probably take them out. I think we'll definitely have to take them overseas for a year or two before they're out of the house. Home school, or Un-school. I don't know. But I guess I have time to figure it out.

The Hair Cut

Last night India was up till about ten and she came out of the bathroom and I stopped her in the hall asking what she was up to, And then she turned away- and as she did a chunk of hair fell off her head... I was like 'what?' And went into the bathroom and found a pile of hair and some scissors. Then I went to her room and ran my fingers thru her hair and more and more kept coming out each time I did. She said she wanted short hair like Ellie. I told her she doesn't know how to cut hair. She was like, 'I don't?' Umm no, you don't. So we're going to be giving her a nice short hair cut soon. She's so adorable with long hair. But… apparently, she really wants it short.

TJ has a new word: "owwie" - he throws it into his cry - which is nice so I know when he's just fussing and when he's hurt. He's such a sweetie- like Johnny.

And well, actually, Johnny hasn't been too sweet lately. More tantrums, attitude, screams than before. I thought two years old was tough. But I remember India going thru this too. I've let him get away with too much. But the girls are pretty good. So one out of four isn't too bad? I've got that going for me at least. He'll come around eventually. I just really have to make sure I don't give into his tantrums and fits. Keep reminding him that's not how he gets what he wants.

With TJ its different because he can't talk yet, yelling and screaming is how he communicates. However I'm trying to teach him to sign- it makes for a much happier baby to be able to say 'food', 'milk', 'more', 'poopy'. You know, important stuff.

New Article

Last year, for the first time, I saw an artilce on CNN about circumcision. Brian and I have spent a lot of time talking about this topic - having two boys ourselves - and talked to quite a few people about this tradition. It’s really an interesting thing to talk about because some people are passionate against it and a lot of people consider it a moot point, never having questioned it. For us, we decided to circumcise one and not the other - I won't say which is which, for their privacy- but if you have a baby boy, I'd highly recommend looking into and seeing what would be best for your boy.

Worth

Its ten in the morning and the kids have piled all their blankets in the middle of the living room floor and are running down the hall and jumping on it- Ellie's wearing a bathing suit and tutu- India’s in her pink panther costume with a tail, and the boys are still wearing the shirts they wore all day yesterday and slept in.

Life gets so crazy with all these kids sometimes, I can hardly keep track of where they all are. I'm constantly counting " 1...2... (Where are three?) Okay... 4..." They move so fast- I'm always trying to keep them out of the bathroom and kitchen (where most trouble starts). Out of the fridge and TJ off the toilet. He climbs on the back of it but he grabs the back where it gets all gross. Then he tries to stick those fingers in my mouth - YUCK. So the gate is up for the kitchen (even though they constantly climb over it) and I’m always saying, "did you close the bathroom door?" So while all this is going on there is always someone laughing, someone crying and someone missing- right now they're all wrestling.

Okay - where I’m going with all this-- big families are awesome. I never thought I'd want more than two kids (max). But now I see all the richness, joy, life, madness, fun, LIFE in having a big family. I love how they stick up for each other in the church nursery or at the playground. Johnny won't let anyone mess with TJ- and even when TJ is upset that there is a babysitter- he'll let his siblings comfort him. So if anyone is thinking having a bunch of kids isn't awesome, you’re SOO wrong. ;-) And as far as the financial part of things- give it up- you'll never be ready. And you don't know what you can handle or squeeze until you try.

I know big families aren’t for everyone; I just want to dispel some of the myth that it’s not worth it. Cause it is ;-)

The Longest Equasion

Long night= even longer day. I know that I've beaten this horse to death already, but I just can't figure out what to do about TJ and nursing.... arrrg. I want to cut back, but I don't want to stop- or really cut back. But last night i was like "(expletive) I'm SICK OF BEING HIS PACIFIER!"

I have to nurse him every time he wakes up - which was like 8 times last night, and i ended up on the floor in the living room after i tried to make a bed on the couch only to have it stolen by a crying 2 year old. So I was kicked out of two beds last night. I’m not kidding I was literally wandering around the house at 1:15 wondering where to sleep. 'Garage? No, not clean enough yet... small couch? Too short... recliner? Bad for my back... okay, floor. Dang’

Brian doesn't want to go thru the whole pacifier thing again. And I understand. Especially (for me anyways) because Johnny still wants one - even though he's been without it for months now. So if TJ starts 'using' then John will try and snatch it all the time. But maybe I could just use it at nighttime? Particularly when I’m transitioning him to his own room- otherwise I don't think I’ll sleep much that week.
OH THE DRAMA! I'm sorry; this probably just sounds like whining.

Love the life you live

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

I stumbled on that quote last night ~ and I thought it was a little ironic that it spoke to me so deeply, while I was wasting time on the internet.... at least I think that's irony...
Because I do love life. And I always talk about LIVING life, and embracing life. Good bad and ugly. Life is a whisper (and I always think of my dad when i say that, he was always reminding me of that) and I think that may be why I believe it so strongly... it was ingrained in me from a young age. We only get one shot at this life. And it'll be over before we know it. Why do we spend it on such meaningless things?

I feel that life is made meaningful by the relationships we have during it. By how we treat others, by how much we love.

I really melt when I hear that quote from 'Moulin rouge', "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love; and be loved in return." There is nothing greater in this life. We were created to love.

I could care less about career, mountains of money, position, popularity... actually I wish that were true, but I WANT it to be true, I strive for it to be true. We are surrounded by people telling us to value the wrong things; it’s hard to not believe them.

I don't know how much effect I’ll have on this world, I don't think I'll change policies, save the starving and dying all over the world (though I wish I could), become president or even be known in my own city. But I would have huge regrets if I didn't love the people around me. They're the only ones I can be sure to touch. And I'll have to trust God to use my pithy attempts at love for his greater purposes (and I don't expect to even know what those are) but I'll have loved. And I think He'd be pleased by that.

Misery

India really wants me to do her 'a favor'. 'Could you clean my room for me' (blink blink)... yeah right. I don't even want to clean my room, or my kitchen, or my living room.
I got a breast infection!! I've had mild ones before, but I never knew one could turn into flu symptoms! It was the worst. There were times when I was thinking 'Dang, this is worse than labor!' just that feeling that i can't stop this... i just have to get thru it. But it still wasn't labor. ;-)

Johnny is trying to sneak Easter candy off the mantle, and he has been trying all morning. It’s really annoying. I can't wait till I can trust that boy. But he is such a sweetheart too. When I was sick I was pretty much in bed for three days. I couldn't eat; I had high fevers, puking & diarrhea... and just all around miserable. I came out one night (not sure which one) after Brian had put the kids down and John saw me and came out to hug me. So I sat down in the hall because i was too weak to pick him up and I told him I was still sick. He kissed me and said 'Did mommy eat money?'.  I was like, 'no, a different sick'. But it was sweet because the sickest he's been was when he swallowed the money. I think he remembers how miserable he felt all day while it was stuck there and the anesthetic waring off.

Oh and here's the grossest part... after the vomiting was done I got baad diarrhea.... yeah. The kind where you don't know you have to go till its coming out... yeah, i know.  Anyways, i didn't make it like four times. Okay, so that was gross, (oh and don't forget, by this time i had the kids all by myself~ so the whole time this is going on I’m hearing 'I’m hungry, I’m poopy... she pulled my hair, mom i want more...' fun times.

Anyways, I had a flashback to last summer when my brother and his family were staying with us and I had the same diarrhea problem and I was sitting on the couch when it hit and I shout 'shoot!' and start running down our long hallway for the bathroom and I hear Matt, Jess and Brian in the living room yelling "GO CARA GO! YOU CAN MAKE IT!".  In the middle of the misery, it made me laugh just thinking of it.

Body

Yes, bodily fluids and functions. I’m overwhelmed by them today. Not my own, but pretty much everyone else’s. (I always smell like ROSES) We have the flu going around our house... so far I've been puked on five times -not spit up, PUKE, farted on, and had some pretty nasty diapers to change and cleaned up pee on the bathroom floor (not a dribble, a puddle). And even after I changed TJ's very full diaper, he still stunk, I couldn't figure it out till i realized it’s the puke that got caught in his arm pits. Yeah, ...yuck. And now as I sit here, the kids are playing with water squirt toys and all I can think of is that it sounds like someone having diarrhea.
I need a date!! BRIAN RESCUE ME!! PLEASE! I need to think about something other than cleaning up ... other peoples... fluids...

SAHM

I just read a blog where the mother says she's a full time mom, and works full time. That just because she's at work doesn't mean she stops being a mom. She's one 24-7. And even though her mother passed away doesn't mean she's stopped being her mom, or that she's stopped being the daughter. She'll always be near her mother 'in spirit'.

Interesting. My children don't need me to be there 'in spirit'. Especailly when they're young. They need ME. They need a mother. Through the ups and downs, the milestones, the challenges that come from growing up. I'm their mom. It's my job. I don't have a problem with mothers working. But come on. Don't pretend you're just as 'motherly' as those of us who do this 24-7. Don't degrade what I do full time, by saying you do just as much or just as well by doing it & holding a job outside of the home. My children benefit in a very very different way than yours. Give me more credit than that. Please.

My Glass

Glass Half Full:
So often I feel like an observer and not a participant in life. But *sometimes* when i see the kids going crazy and laughing hysterically ...everything slows down ....and it just feels right. And when Brian and I are alone... there is a look he gives only to me. And even if I’m just watching life... its a good life to watch.

Oh and i hate going to bed. why is that?

On Babies

So I was realizing today just how much my 'child raising' ideas have changed over the past five years and four kids. Before I had Elodie, and when she was a newborn I was given the 'Baby Wise' books and I used their ideas and techniques with Elodie. And I was very pleased with the outcome. She went to bed on her own, had a good feeding schedule and seemed like a very happy baby.

I think I tried with India and John, but not as focused. And they seemed fine too. But I didn't do the eating schedule thing.

Now I’m thinking, wow, maybe them making my life easier isn’t' the goal. Maybe me being the mom this baby needs is the goal. I’m not going to get as much sleep and I may need to rock/nurse him to sleep a lot, but that is having kids. And that is the way that God made babies. He allows them the ability to cry to communicate and I need to respond to those needs as their mom. .

And with TJ, (the first baby I've really nursed since Ellie) I'm not doing any 'advice' in particular. And I’m realizing what a joy and bond I’m feeling with him that I didn't have in the same way with the other babies. Now, I’m not saying I regret much, because we do what we think is best at the time, and that's all we can expect from ourselves. I loved my babies the best I knew how. And with TJ I’m doing the same. I sleep with him next to me; he is either with me or in the co-sleeper/playpen. I nurse him whenever he needs and also when he just 'wants'.

I felt some guilt with the other kids sometimes when I was doing what the 'experts' told me to do. But with TJ, I’m doing what my heart (that God gave me) tells me to do. As women we know, we do, we really know what is best for our own kids and our own families. Each family is different. We need to TRUST ourselves to know that we can love our kids and raise them- because they were given to us- the best way we know how. There is grace for my mistakes; I just do the best I can.

My Activist Kids

I’m so hungry right now. It seems I spend all morning making breakfast and getting snacks- when I finally get something for myself the kids want some of that too. I bought whip cream to put on my coffee this morning and of course the kids want some. We always have them line up in the kitchen and squirt it in their mouths and they just stand there for a few seconds with their mouths wide open enjoying the moment before they eat it up. It’s cute.

I seriously need dressers and/or closet organizers. I’m an organized person usually, I don't like mess and chaos, but I just can't seem to stay on top of laundry. And I just don't like putting it away (I think i've mentioned it quite a few times in my blogs) I think part of it is I just don't have anywhere to put it.

I’m in the middle of refinishing a really beautiful dresser made of walnut. What am i thinking? Refinishing a dresser? I have no idea what I’m doing. I took the hardware off and sanded three drawers... and stopped. It’s HARD to find time to work on it. Just keeping the house a breath away from a disaster is all I do. But I’m going to borrow an electric sander and hopefully finish that part of it.

Elodie set up all of their 'Little People' toys (like 30 of them) in the closet -its like a small fort for them- she had them all laying down in rows 'sleeping' and it was a surprise for India. India saw it, and then Johnny wanted to go in and play with them and Elodie freaked out and started crying because he was going to mess them up. So she shut the door and was not letting him in. I asked her if she was still playing with them and she said no. So I said that John could play with them if she was done. So she went back in the closet, shut the door and kept crying. Deciding it would be better to just camp out and protect them rather than let him play with them. Oh the drama. She wanted her blankie with her too. We’ll see how long the 'sit in' lasts.

Deconstructing Church

It’s Saturday, we're going to church tonight. We found one called Emmaus that meets from 5-6:15. its perfect for the kids and makes Sunday's so much easier for us- a real day off. we don't go every week, I think we're still deconstructing. Trying to figure out what is important. And church isn't high on the list right now. But because I’m home with the kids by myself so much, getting out at all sounds nice.

Actually- I’m feeling really disconnected- I feel like I have to remind God who I am when I start to pray. “It’s me God, Cara... do you know me?' We've just been questioning so much lately- I've been 'thinking' so much- I just don't know if I still know Jesus. But I think he still knows me. There is some hope there, but not a lot of confidence. But I’m actually okay with that. I was so 'sure' of so many things as a Christian for so long -- things I’m not so sure of anymore. So being 'sure' of things isn't a priority either. But learning is, growing is. And I don't think my crisis was of faith but of religion. And I think its my history (if that makes sense) that is wondering if I still know Jesus. Can I know him if I’m not confident in my theology? I think so. I’m working on it. and I *believe* he's working on it with me.

In my dreams~

I just had a monumental fall down the stairs. I tripped over a bag of garbage sitting at the top and I was holding my small vacuum and I fell down four STEEP steps. And I hit the floor on my wrist and twisted my ankle. But then I almost started laughing because as I was falling a quick picture of a skater falling mid air flew through my mind …and I tried to get my feet under me so I wouldn't land on my head.

I just wish someone could have seen it so they could tell me if I looked like a skater.

Just kidding... like a mom in her sweats carrying a vacuum and tripping over garbage could look anything like a falling skater.

Living with the tention

I am not objective. I think objectivity can be over-rated...well, sometimes. Not always. I get emotionally tied to things I hear, things I see, and read about... I hate stories of abuse, injustice, and pain. And I used to avoid them completely. I thought i just couldn't handle the pain, and I felt weak for feeling that way. After all, it wasn't happening to ME. But it was painful to me. But now, looking at my life. I see this sensitivity as a good thing. I can't ignore pain. I can't pretend injustice isn't happening. (Even though sometimes I still try).

And I see this as a 'goad', a nudge placed by God in my spirit that doesn't allow me to live with my head up my ass -pretending the world is as pretty as it looks in my front yard. I go to bed at night praying for the children in Darfur, or the kids of the dirt poor prostitutes in Delhi- for the prostitutes themselves, having no other work to survive. This is the world we live in TODAY.

So. SO... I stay home with four kids...How do I pursue the things on my heart while being a stay at home mom? I think I'm going to be asking myself this question often over the next few years. Sometimes I wonder why we have four kids (yes I've heard of birth control... yes I believe in it. We can go there later if you want) because I wish I could take some of those kids myself. I love my life (surprising because a wife/mom wasn't my first goal after high school) I couldn't think of any career or lifestyle more fulfilling. But I still want to make the world -not just MY world- a better place.

So we're going to join up with Blood:Water Mission. I absolutely love the mission of bringing clean water to the people who need it most. I need outlets for my passions- and since my time is tied up for a few years we're going to stop going out for coffee for a month and put that money towards a well in Africa. Its small things like that. Simple sacrifices that will change and save lives across the world. And we're going to continue doing this as long as we can. We are going to challenge our friends to join with us. And I know they will, because we all hate the view when all we can see is the inside of our asses. Check out Blood: Water Mission

Date Night

We went on a date yesterday (thanks to Rachel). We went to Bush Park to toss the Frisbee and I let him beat me in a 100m dash on the Willamette track (right).

I can't believe the weather. It feels like spring- so beautiful. And the leaves are falling... I love kicking leaves. Anyways. I had such a great time. He makes me feel like I’m his girlfriend... I don't know if that sounds like a good thing, but it really is. I mean he's not like rushing around opening doors or anything (not that I want him too) but we just have so much fun together- our relationship just always feels so fresh. And after six years and four kids (think about it - four PREGNANCIES) we still laugh so much and crave time alone together.

And we have so much fun raising the kid’s together- laughing at the kids (when they're not looking of course) and trying our best to not mess them up... I wish this kind of marriage on everyone. It’s amazing because we've been through so much crap and hard times... but we never blamed each other because our relationship was too important to screw with. I hope that makes sense.

Sleepless nights

I think we all- at one time or anther -climbed in bed with our parents. But i have all four trying to climb in bed with us. Last night I’d had it. Usually i can send Ellie and India to the floor or back to their beds, unless they've had a bad dream or they kicked their blankets off and got really cold... but Johnny will scream and throw a fit if i try to put him back to bed, and TJ sleeps next to me in the bassinette or sometimes in my arms after I nurse him. But if I sit up to pick him up the kids spill over into my space (we're packed like sardines) I've even seen Brian half off the bed and still sound asleep. The laws of gravity were completely suspended and somehow he didn't fall off. Anyways I have absolutely no room EVERY night in my own bed. It’s gotten out of hand. I get up at least four or five times every night to move one or nurse one or push one out of my way. Last night I moved to the couch and put TJ on the floor next to me on a blanket and i slept like a baby. I had the entire narrow couch to myself.

And on a side note~ I absolutely love my comforter- its not much to look at but I feel like I’m in a cloud when I’m in it. But I only let myself get comfy after the kids are in bed... because nothing irritates me more than to get comfortable and then be moved. Which is why this nighttime ritual of coming to my bed is getting too much. But Brian did say we'll get a king size bed in a few months. I CAN'T WAIT

Another day older

Another day older!!

Well, we celebrated my 27th b-day today. Yes, I am 27. I went to a new church today- St. Pauls, and several people did not believe that the kids were mine. So "Yes, thank you they are mine, I know I look young. I AM YOUNG."

I was thinking today since I started on myspace and facebook-- I’ve run into some old friends and you know, you look at their lives. Admit it, you do to. And you compare a little, and wonder how and why things turned out the way they did. Anyways, I was just thinking how thankful I am about how my life turned out. I was telling someone yesterday that my 'career goals' in HS looked nothing like my life does now.

Its funny how 'homemaker' is not on the list of careers, at least I never noticed it. But it is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things I could have done with my life. And that is coming from a girl who considers herself a feminist.

And I’m passionate about fair and equal treatment for all women. But come on ladies- we need to be treated with dignity, but do we want to be like men? I have this uncontrollable 'mother' instinct that I never thought was there. I was never very domestic growing up. But here I am now, willing to die or kill to protect my children. And I can literally feel it in my gut. You should see me when a big ugly spider gets near my babies- I turn into delta force mommy (only if Brain’s not home). And I HATE killing things. How did I get on this tangent? Well anyways, I’m 27.

The up's and down's

You know, as tough as it was to pull the girls out of preschool, I can't explain how much easier life feels. (If life can be considered 'easy') Today I actually got to sleep in an extra hour!! Ellie and TJ woke up at 6:30(as usual) so I put on cartoons and gave TJ to her and she took care of him in the living room while I slept till 7:30! My life has officially entered a new phase today. The phase where my oldest girl can finally ease a little bit of my work. HALLELUJAH! (I had to google to figure out how to spell that:-).

I've been dreaming of this day for years. The day where I was not required to wake up with the kids. It'll probably only happen once a month or so, but STILL... ;-) 

When Johnny wake up I would definitely still have to get up because he is ...well... two. And he still pushes every limit I give him. Two days ago he took our permanent marker and scribbled all over our kitchen wall. And I also found him in the living room recently with the gallon of milk, putting his toes in the top (don't ask me what he was thinking... he's two). But he's also incredibly tender and affectionate. And because he's a boy I’m going to cuddle with him as long as he lets me, he is still my baby, but I know that he'll grow out of that eventually.

Right now they're watching Toy Story 2. Ellie has been begging me to rent it for weeks. So they're watching it and eating pop corn (a rare treat for 10:30 in the morning. but what the heck) I've got a TON of laundry to put away today.

Oh my gosh do you want to hear something disgusting? Last night I got out of bed and I thought I stepped in spilled lotion (the kids are always 'eating' my lotion...(if you have kids you understand) Anyways, so I just rubbed it in with my other foot. This morning I woke up and it was actually spilled CURDLED milk! YUCK! So that reminds me --I need to shower.

More than friends

I feel like such a hypocrite. But I kind of wonder, I think most of us are. There is so much in me, so many ideas, so many ideals, and the desire to see them is there. But I know that the reality of my ideals is dirty and grimy when put into practice... people are messy, and I love people but sometimes the mess scares me. (And as I write I’m thinking to myself 'who are you? what makes your ideas so important anyways?') Oh well, its my freaking blog... so its easier for me to sit at home and come up with grand theology and admire ancient ideas... and somewhat long for opportunity to live it out. But do I really want to? I’m going to give myself some credit and say, yes, mostly. But here I am scared to call back an old lady who hung up on me. Suck it up Cara.

"Because I love God less than I want to, and distrust myself entirely, I am launching out on the journey with friends who are more than friends. Together, we will find ways of exploring the meaning of these three simple vows [to be true to Christ, kind to men and bring the gospel to the nations] year by year for the rest of our lives, going deeper in understanding, growing simpler in knowledge, allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to us about each one in new ways at different times. Seasons will come and go, and the terrain ahead is sure to change, so our vows will mean different things at different times. *** Sadly, I know that most days I will fail in some way or another--most often I suspect in the realm of simple kindness. But as I keep my eyes on Jesus there is grace to change. Day by day, as I outwork my vows, God's grace will subvert my selfishness so I can think big enough to disciple nations, small enough to care for my neighbor and deep enough to be loyal to my Lord for life."- The Vision and the Vow by Pete Greig (Re-discovering Life and Grace)

Something that made me smile today: John followed me as I cleaned and valiantly fought the vacuum with a pencil around the whole house.

I love India

I don't know how many times i've heard my 3 yr old say something about her 'penis' and i keep telling here, 'You don't have one, dear, you have a vagina'. (Its amazing the things that I find coming out of my mouth) But she keeps saying it.

And the other morning she came into my bed around 2am and told me she wet the bed (its been over six months since she's wet the bed) and she wanted to sleep with me because her bed was wet. Usually when that happens I have to change her clothes for her. But I didn't think of it because... well... it was two am. So in the morning I asked, “Why didn't you take off your underwear? And she told me, 'Well I wet the bed but my underwear didn't get wet, God did magic and made me stay dry!' I guess to a three yr old having dry panties after wetting the bed is 'magic'. I found later it was her sippy cup that spilled.

Her world is amazing. She gets so excited about 'teamwork' (when they don't fight over toys) she has to run out of her room to tell me- that's how rare it is. She’s the loudest crier. And she's the most sensitive as well as the most resilient. She’ll slam into a wall and fall down, jump up and keep going. But if you interrupt her talking she starts freaking out. And the world has ended if someone takes a toy out from under her pillow. It’s her 'safe' for all her favorite toys and clothes. At any given moment she has about 30 small toys stashed under it. Which makes sleeping on it a hassle, but its important to her.

Maybe it’s a second born thing-having to fight for the smallest stuff. You can definitely tell she's Irish when she starts telling a story. She’s the most animated storyteller I know- and she'll talk to anyone. Her dance teacher said that India has the most drama of any of the kids, which she says is a good thing when performing-getting into character. And India has such a wild imagination, so it’s not hard for her to do.

TJ just fell asleep on the floor by my feet. He was playing with the vacuum- I do try and give him toys, but he goes for what he wants. I’m listening to a mix CD of Christmas music. I know it’s early, but what the heck.